Working with parents in your Music Classroom-Part 3
The
Parent/Teacher Conference
This is the final piece in a
three-part series about working with parents in your choral music
classroom.
In
part
1 of this series, I shared some ideas about how to get started with parent
collaboration.
In
part
2, I wrote about some of the fun characters that I have encountered as I
opened my classroom up to parent volunteers.
In this, the final post in the series, I am going to share
ideas about how to handle the often challenging parent/teacher conferences.
Before I delve into my ideas and experiences with parent
conferences, there are three philosophies we should consider:
#1: First and foremost, everything we do as
educators must be for the students.
As
their teacher, we want to demonstrate the 3 D’s for our students each and every
day:
Desire, Discipline and
Dedication.
We want them to learn many
more life lessons in our room than simply how to
read
music and
sing a song,
and it is our responsibility to help prepare them for successful lives.
#2: Secondly, we have to be willing to awaken our
students when they need it. Sometimes,
that means that we also have to help awaken the parents…and that isn’t always
easy to do.
#3: And lastly…a very
important piece of my philosophy as a public school choral music educator of 25
years...
People of all ages change when the pain of staying the same
is greater than the
pain
of change.
Why
have a parent conference?
Classroom management can be one
of our biggest challenges as teachers.
During my student teaching experience, I remember my
cooperating teacher gave me some of the greatest advice of my career.
“Deal with behavior issues in
your classroom whenever possible.”
She encouraged me to find solutions that started and ended
with me rather than pushing the problems out to the administrators.
I have heeded that advice for my
entire career.
Are there situations in which you must turn a situation over
to an administrator? Absolutely…but a
parent conference can go a long way toward fixing the most chronic disruptive
behaviors so many public school teachers encounter.
I have rarely used detentions that are supervised by
administrators or other teachers because they almost never result in the
desired behavior change.
I have found that parent contact and parent conferences solve
almost every situation I encounter in my room.
When
should you have a parent conference?
Here is what has worked for me.
When I encounter a child who demonstrates chronic
undesirable behavior issues in my classroom, First, I work directly with the student
by changing his seat, by having a conversation about how the exhibited
behaviors are hurting the learning process.
I let the child know that if the behavior doesn’t change, I am going to
contact his parent.
When the behavior continues, I start with parent contact via
email first. When I email the parent, I
always start with some positive information about the child. Then, with as little judgment as possible, I
list the behaviors I am seeing in bullet form.
I ask for support in changing those behaviors, and I make it clear that
I am open to suggestions.
Then, I wait for the parent
response.
Sometimes, there is no response,
but the behavior changes. This indicates
that the parent has handled it and doesn’t want the bother of meeting with me
or exchanging more emails.
Sometimes, there is no response
and no change in behavior. We must remember
to also view this as a “response”. We
must hear it so we can continue to move forward to correct the behavior.
Most of the time, I get a
response saying, “You won’t have any more issues.” This is also an awesome outcome.
Responses like this one indicate
that the parent is listening, and they are partnering with you to respond to
the situation.
…But sometimes, the behaviors continue.
When that is the case, here are the actions I take:
Over a three-day
period, I watch the child closely, and I very carefully and discreetly jot down
specific information about the behaviors.
A note about scheduling conferences: Always schedule parent conferences “as needed”
rather than waiting until specific conference nights that are scheduled by your
school or by your district.
Individual, “as-needed” response is best, in my view.
If we wait to long to meet with the parent, the behaviors
become habits which are very hard to break.
What
should you do before the parent conference?
1) You should
carefully prepare all documentation.
*Print out copies of the child’s grade and any notes you’ve
written inside the gradebook about behaviors.
*List all of the behaviors you’ve observed.
*If you taught the child in a previous grade, as many choral
directors do, you may want to obtain any other documents you have that support
the behavior patterns you continue to witness in your time teaching the child
in order to awaken the parent.
2) Carefully prepare
what you are going to say.
Soul search. Dig deep.
Evaluate yourself. Have you done
everything you can do to elicit a positive response from the child? Or are you cutting to the top person (the
parent)? Do you like it when parents
bypass you and contact the principals?
Plan to speak to the parent in
the same way you’d like to be spoken to if you were the parent.
It’s so important to effectively and clearly communicate and
stay very focused on the intended outcome.
With that in mind…
…What is your objective?
Clearly define it for yourself so you can communicate it well to the parent
and to the child.
3) After you define
your primary objective (which is usually to improve behavior and work patterns),
you need to determine a secondary objective in case the parent is absent,
uncooperative, in denial about their child’s behavior or if you perceive that
the child is simply no longer interested in being in choir.
I have 340 un-auditioned children in my choirs who
voluntarily sign up
for my class, and sometimes their interests change. It’s
ok. I don’t take it personally and
neither should you.
At my school, there is some flexibility in moving children
into and out of choir at the end of each quarter, so I always walk into every
conference with a schedule change form ready in case we need to consider that
as a solution. Thankfully, I rarely have
to use it. However, I am thankful to
have the option.
If there is currently no flexibility at your school on
moving children into and out of your class during the school year, begin
working toward that goal and be patient as you do. Choir is not the only consideration for
administrators who create the schedules in your buildings.
Who
should be present at the parent conference?
*You
*The student
*The parent
*Another teacher or administrator.
If you sense that it is going to be a particularly difficult
conference based on your correspondences with the parent or if you believe the
parent will escalate to the administrators regardless of how the conference goes,
ask an administrator to come to the conference as well to save yourself more
strife after the conference is complete.
What do you say at the parent conference?
Go without fear and focus on the fact that your goal is to
help the child, the parent and the other children in your classroom who are
impacted by this child’s poor behavior and/or work ethic.
Remember that this is probably not the first time the parent
has heard what you will say, but make
it your objective to help them to hear it and take action on it, for perhaps,
the first time. To help a parent really
“hear” the information you are sharing, you must carefully plan the words you
use and the flow of the conference so that you can obtain maximum impact that
will result in behavior change.
*Start with examples of positive behaviors. If a child or a parent perceive that you
don’t like the child, you will not gain their support. If you start the conference negatively, you
are likely to start a battle between parent/child and you that will be a waste
of energy. Remember: Until now, the parent has only heard his/her
child’s side of the story. If you start
by listing positive behaviors (and every child has them), you can help avoid
this complication and disarm the parent and possibly even the child.
*Listen. Ask
questions about how the child is doing in their other classes. Ask about the child’s outside
interests/passions. Often, you will hear
things from the parents about the child’s work in other classes that support
your arguments about the child’s sub-standard performance in your classroom
that support your position.
*Then, it’s time
to “go in.”
When you “go in”…
State the behaviors objectively and without judgment.
Be accurate. If you
state a detail inaccurately, the child may seize the moment and hurt your
credibility in front of their parent causing the conference to go awry.
Remember…you are dealing with a difficult child.
In the
conference, what do I do with unsupportive parents?
Most parents of difficult children are thrilled you are
taking the time to help support them, but some parents are not. These
unsupportive and, in my view, ineffective parents are the ones who have enabled
the types of behaviors you are seeing in the first place. In the face of mounds of evidence, these
types of parents will not acknowledge or react to what you are alleging about
their children, and they will make excuses for their child.
To help awaken those parents, I have a laundry list of effective
things I say that are aimed at awakening the parent. Here are two of my favorites:
“I have 83 other children in your child’s class period whose
learning is impacted by the behaviors I’ve shared with you today. It is my job to teach all of them. Anything that stands in the way of that
learning has to change. Your child’s
behavior is standing in their way.”
“I have presented lots of information about your child’s
behavior in order to help you and your child.
I teach your child for one to three years. You have him for life.”
“I initiated this conference, and I prepared for it in great
detail because I care about your child and for all of the children who are
impacted by his/her behavior. I hope you
will consider partnering with me in the best interest of your child so that we
can get him/her on the right track.
Summary:
During my 25 years teaching choral music in urban public
schools in North Carolina, New Jersey and Georgia, most of my parent
conferences have gone without a hitch and the desired outcome was achieved.
However, that is not always the case. Once, a parent came out of his chair, and I
thought he was going to assault me.
Other times, parents have worked to manipulate the
administrators which added another layer of stress to the situation.
Recently, I had a very difficult situation. It involved a parent volunteer I’d worked
with and known for many years. I’d
taught her two older daughters.
Rewind: Upon
enrolling in 6th grade, her child chose band over chorus, so I was
sad to lose a committed parent volunteer.
Half-way through her third child’s 6th grade year, she came
to me to complain about the band teacher.
She asked if he could start chorus in January…half-way through this 6th
grade year.
I willingly took him.
After recognizing that her son was one of my new challenges
and following the processes I’ve outlined above, I decided it was time to hold
everyone accountable…including the parents.
Suddenly, after watching 4 years of excellent results in
musicals and adjudicated performances and after I’d accepted her third child
mid-year into my class, they didn’t like my approach.
Right before Thanksgiving break, they wrote emails slamming
my approach and calling me a bully while copying myself and
administrators. In addition to the word “bully”,
they used many other code words to make sure their case was pushed to the front
of the line.
I followed every step I’ve outlined here, and I gathered every
bit of documentation I could get my hands on.
We met. We had an
administrator present per their request.
I met on 3 hours notice on the Monday after Thanksgiving break because I
was very clear about what type of parent I was dealing with.
When the parent told me that my techniques to awaken
children and parents didn’t work, I calming stated:
“You’ve seen my work with your first two children. You’ve volunteered in my classroom to support
my work. I accepted your child into my
classroom in the middle of the school year when you complained he was being
bullied by his band teacher. Now you
call me a bully. When you’ve taught
public school for 25 years with 84 children in a classroom, and led a program
of over 300 non-auditioned middle school children who volunteer to take my
class, then you can tell me how to do my job.
Until that time arrives, I am telling you that your child needs to wake
up. I hope that you will work with me to
help that happen.”
I offered a schedule change form. They refused.
I said…
“Today, you have questioned my integrity and called me a
bully. Why do you want your child to
stay in my class?”
Response: “We like
what you are teaching.”
I didn’t respond.
Her child has been doing great since that time. She knows it and so do I.
Stay calm. Trust your gut instincts. Don’t be intimidated. Know that you are doing the right thing. Always know that there is a solution for you
and all of the other children you teach in your public school classroom.
I always make sure my heart is in the right place and more
importantly, that my documentation is 100% in order.
Parents talk, and students talk about how we do or don’t
hold them accountable.
The ripple effect is worth the effort.
Partnering with parents is really
what education is all about…even when it’s difficult.
Check out my blog!
