Remembering My Mom Each Christmas

Watch this first.

It was my 42nd birthday, March 24, 2006 when we got the news that my 68 year old Mom had stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer from the doctors at Duke in Durham.

I had just finished adjudication with my students, and I was in full musical production mode, but I got into my car and drove straight from Atlanta to Durham.  

I walked into the hospital room.  She was on the phone telling a friend.  She wasn't crying though.  She seemed relieved.  Her health hadn't been good for years.  She lived mostly in poverty.  My siblings and I sent her money, and she had disability, but she was simply existing and not able to really live a full life. 

She and my father divorced after 22 years of marriage.  My mother was a very smart woman in so many ways, but she never had the opportunity to get a college education.  When she left my father, I think she hoped to scare him into stopping drinking...from my child's eyes, that is what I saw.  

I was 11.  

But he moved on quickly, and within 3 months of separation, Dad was dating my future step-mom who ended up being the love of his life and a wonderful human for our family at that time.  She brought stability in what had been a volatile home environment.  

My mother and my father married 12/14/55 at the ages of 18.  Six days later, my father was in a hunting accident and lost his leg.  

Can you imagine?  Two teenagers with no means trying to cope with something like this?

2 years later, they had my sister, and a year after that, they had my brother.

And then...whoops...5 years after that, I came along.  

Because of the hunting accident, Mom never finished high school, and I think she always regretted that.  She always thought she was dumb...but she was not dumb.  In hindsight, she had some learning disabilities and speech issues that would have totally been dealt with much better in public school given the tools we have today.  

But she loved her three children...and she gave us the most incredible Christmas experiences.  We were a "one-government salary" family of five, and she did it on a minimal budget.  She worked so hard to make sure our Christmas mornings were special.  She decorated, cooked and she tried to make sure we got whatever special gift we wanted that year from Santa.

I was an over-achiever.  I got straight A's from grades 1-3, but in fourth grade, I came home with a "C".

I was devastated.  

I came teary eyed into the bathroom.  She was cleaning the mirror.  She kept going about her business.

"Mama...I have something to tell you."

"Ok baby...go ahead".

She looked at me and saw my tears.

"I got a C".

She looked away back at the mirror and continued her work, and she said..."Did you do your best"?

I said..."Yes."   

And it was the truth...I think I'd finally landed in classes with students who were naturally more intellectually gifted that I was/am, and I couldn't quite keep up.  

She wasn't mad.  She just supported her disappointed over-achieving son with a hug, and we moved on.  Later that year, I was back to getting straight A's.

She made huge sacrifices for me as all mothers do...especially during the march to the divorce.

Mom had no means.  Prior to the separation between her and my dad, her job had been to take care of the house and the children, and she was great at it.

But now she needed to work...without a high school degree.

She figured it out.  She was a cashier at the Tastee Freeze...and at Sears Cafeteria.  She LOVED it.  She loved the people.  She was so good at it.  

When the separation happened, I wanted to live with Mama.  

She had no place for us to live.  She wasn't assertive in business and with lawyers.  She just wanted out of the marriage.  We lived with her sister for a while.  Her sister had a lovely home with a space for us that was 30 minutes from my school.  Mama didn't want me to change schools, and neither did I.

I slept on the floor in front of Mom's bed each night.

We'd get up every morning.  She'd drive 30 minutes to drop me off (We used Dad's address so I could stay in the same school) and then 30 minutes home.  

Then, she'd go to work.

The school bus would drop me off at Dad's house and then Mom picked me up for the 30 minute drive back to our spot at her sisters house.

Later on, my Mom rented a trailer from another sister about 35 minutes away, and we did the same ritual for three years.

By the time I was 14, we were living back in town closer to my Dad, but it meant I'd need to switch schools for 9th grade but I'd still get to go to the same high school the next year.  Best of both worlds...new friends in a new school...and we'd all combine the next year.

That was a good year.  Apartment living was new...we had a pool...I made new friends.  Dad's house was closer.

Mom made a new friend at the apartment complex...a man whom she truly loved.  His name was Hank.  I'd never, in my life, seen my mother more radiant than this one night before they went on a date.  She was wearing a bright green dress.  She was gorgeous...and happy.

He took time with me.  We went to the pool together...to dinners together...He was a tennis player, and he taught me to play.  

He clearly loved my mom.  

He wanted to move to Arkansas to be closer to his children from his previous marriage, and he wanted her to marry him and to move with him.

My mom didn't want to move me from my school.  She had never lived anywhere other than the Durham area.

 She agonized.  I told her...Mom!  You're happy...GO.  I'll come.  It's fine.  You're happy.  

She didn't go.

And her life took a darker turn to men who weren't good for her.  

She had mental health struggles.

When I was 18, and I was forced out of the closet before I was ready, Mom never turned her back on me or betrayed me as others who were close to me did.

I will never forget her unwavering support of me at the critical times in my life.  

I struggled with some of her choices while I was in my 20's, and I wasn't in touch with her as much as I should have been.

I met my husband Joe when I had just turned 31.

Early in our relationship after hearing this journey, he said, "Your Mother never turned her back on you when everyone learned you were gay."

Many LGBTQ people don't work to maintain the relationships of family and friends who turn their backs on them because they are gay, but I did.  I understand why people think it isn't worth the effort.  It isn't always rainbows and unicorns, but for me, it was important, and I don't regret the effort. 

I had 10 wonderful adult years with my Mom thanks to my husband Joe who helped me see.  We went on cruises together...spent holidays together...we took her to New York together for the first time...and laughed and cried together about the joys and challenges of life.

So, this Christmas tree in the video...When Mom passed, I wanted it.  She got it at Walmart.  She loved Christmas more than anything.  My niece Josie, use to decorate it as a child when Mom wasn't able to get around as well.  She'd tell her everything to do...where to put this ornament or that ornament...and on and on.  I handle it so gingerly and respectfully every year I pull it out.  I love it so much.  The doll on the edge is a Radio City Rockette.  We took Mom to the Radio City Rockette show, and she was in HEAVEN.  So, we bought her one.  That's why the doll has prime spot in front of the tree each year.

You may see some items from students on there the tree that were for me.  I only included items that I received from children while Mom was still here with us.  Nothing new goes on the tree ever.  It's too sacred just as it is.

Mom's work continued after her passing.  

This is her Eulogy.

She only had 4-6 weeks to live.  She didn't want treatment.  

So, my brother arranged for a colleague to interview her about her life.  

About 4 weeks later, I asked my husband if I could send Mom's eulogy to his Mom...whom I'd never met (11 years after starting our lives together), and whom hadn't spoken with her son for 6 years after he came out to her....and he said yes.  She emailed immediately and said "I'll fix this.  I'm in tears."

And she did.

I love watching Joey and his Mom together.  

I will never forget my Mom's face when she walked up to me on my high school graduation day.  Her eyes were filled with emotion...her last of three had graduated high school.

I share this because it's a part of my journey.  

I share it because this stuff still happens to children now.  

I am so thankful for the time I had with my wonderful Mom.

Mom's do more than we know.  

And I can still hear Mama singing me "Happy Birthday" when I walked into the hospital room on March 24, 2006 for the final time.   ...Just like it was yesterday.

I love you Mama.

xoxo